grad school

  • Mental Health, The Academy

    ABD and in My Feelings

    Happy Holidays Angela!

    On Thursday, February 21st, 2019 I passed my qualifying exam with distinction! I am all but dissertation (ABD).  While I’ve had a number of ‘wins’ in the past, this is the first time in my entire life that I really feel like I’m OWNING and EMBODYING my success. I’m feeling quite a lot of #blackgirlmagic at the moment.  I couldn’t anticipate what it would feel like after passing such a major milestone, but I’ve found that I’m experiencing a host of different emotions.

    Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 

    To start, I’m feeling relieved because it’s finally over. I’ve been formally preparing for this exam for at least four months, and by the end, I really found that I’d prefer to do anything but study. The other side of this relief is that it made me feel more sure that I am a PhD candidate-caliber thinker. I know that a subjective test can’t actually determine my abilities, but that’s how I feel, in part, because I nearly failed my first comprehensive exam. I’ve spent the last three years thinking that the only reason I didn’t fail outright is because the committee didn’t want to fail the one woman of color who actually sat for the exam. This win, with distinction, is the vindication I’ve longed for.

    There’s another side of me that is feeling extremely proud. I didn’t just pass, but I passed with distinction. I know that no one will actually ask me about this, and it’s not something I would just offer up, but it’s nice to know. Relatedly, I am extremely humbled to think that, with this degree, I am creating a generational legacy that will have reverberations that go far beyond me. Wow.

    Finally, I’m feeling pretty freaking powerful. This might sound arrogant of me, but in some ways, I’m not surprised that I passed. I put on my list of daily affirmations that I would 1) Study diligently in some way everyday; and 2) Pass my qualifying exam with distinction. That’s exactly what happened In some ways, when you are intentional about something, and you work like hell to get it, there really isn’t any surprise-just hard work. This leads me to ask, what else can I accomplish by believing in my own capabilities and working to make it happen? Anthropology award for best dissertation? Tenure-track or some other non-academic dream job upon graduation? Academic Muscle community of students across the country? Across the globe? Maybe I’m on to something here….

    Do yourself a favor and dream big. Now, dream even bigger.

    So, what’s next for me?

    I am officially leaving for fieldwork on Wednesday, March 27. I bought a one-way ticket to Cuba and plan to be there for 9 months to a year. In the meantime, I have to find someone to sublet my apartment, open a foreign bank account, put my things in storage, insert some logistical detail that I’m bound to overlook until the very last minute and, of course, plan a going away party.

    If I continue with this thinking that I am powerful beyond measure, there’s a strong chance, that I could do something really, really great with my research. My committee members seem to think that my project has the potential to really push the boundaries of anthropology and education. Who am I to think otherwise? There are adventures and chance meetings that I can’t even begin to anticipate. So, cheers to new adventures and holding on to this feeling!

  • Exercise, Uncategorized

    The Mane Attraction

    As a continuation of my guest post on Black Girl Does Grad School, I wanted to share a little more practical reflections on what it’s like to have locs and a live an active lifestyle in graduate school.  Now that I think about it, three years ago when I started my locs, I was under a lot of stress (professionally and personally), so it really was an ideal time for me to start a major overhaul in my life generally.

    loccrush locd perfection
    This is Loc Crush.  She is my actual loc crush.  When I started my locs, I bought a picture of her to the salon. #goals

    Things I love about having locs

    They’re low maintenance. I don’t have a lot of free time and when I do, I don’t want to spend it on hair–sorry, I’m just not that person.  I wash my hair about every two weeksI spray my hair with ‘distilled’ water aka I boiled it in my tea kettle and oil my scalp about every other day.  When I workout, I put it in a ponytail and go about my business.  That’s it.

    I can do it myself. I’m a relatively crafty person, and I like making things with my hands.  When I do my retwists, it never looks as sleek as  the salon, but its decent.  Admittedly, I worry that I’m messing up my parts especially in the back where I can’t see, but overall, I can feel my way through.  I like to catch up on This is Us or How to Get Away With Murder while I do my hair, so it’s not a miserable 1.5 hours.

    They’re affordable.  I  get my hair done professionally about once a quarter because it’s nice to know that I got a good wash. I would do it more, but I pay about $135 for a wash, retwist, style and tip.  It’s a really nice salon and they do exceptional work, but my pockets can’t handle anymore.  Other than that, the products I use are super cheap–coconut oil, olive oil, Sheamoisture shampoo and (deep) conditioner and Talia Waajid retwist gel.

    I’m not going to lie, having locs is not all coconut oil and lavender.  There are some things about my hair that make me dream about cutting it all off and getting a weave.  

    Lint. Apparently, I didn’t get the memo about not wearing light colored scarves and hats when I first started my locs because the bottom inch of almost all of my locs are FULL OF LINT. It’s not build up, so it doesn’t smell, but its annoying because I am already anticipating that I will have to cut it off with time.  It’s also a bit unsightly, and it seems to be the most visible after I steam my hair.  This Q-Renew hair steamer will change your life by the way whether you have locs or not.

    Life between retwists- blurred boundaries. About two week after I get my hair retwisted, I can’t find my parts, and I don’t know where my scalp is.  I’m learning to embrace the fuzz and get creative with styles like two strand twists that maintain my retwist or curls which actually look better with volume.  I also like to use accessories like headbands that cover up the frizz all together.

    Lastly, I want to say that the “ugly” stage doesn’t have to be as rough as I made it out to be.   I know that this is a concern of many people who want to start their loc journey.  In my case  I just didn’t know what the hell I was doing and relied on my previous loctitian to style my hair before it matured.  Needless to say, there’s a reason I don’t go to her anymore.  You can wear headwraps, put kinky twists in, wear wigs, etc. You have options.

    There are so many things I would do differently, if I were to start over, but like this blog, like school, like most things, just start and you’ll figure it out as you go.

    How do you all wear your hair for working out?  Do you have any particular styles that work best?  How do you find the time to maintain your mane?

  • Food & Nutrition, The Academy

    I tried it: Açaí Bowls

    I’m leaving for fieldwork in approximately 5 months.  I’m EXTREMELY grateful (and still genuinely surprised, blessed, mystified, etc) to have received the very first dissertation grant that I applied for typos and all.  No matter how many people try to tell me that my nervousness is just excitement in disguise, I beg to differ.  I’m going to miss NYC, the people, the ease of transportation, the non-stop entertainment, and I’m not only talking about the kind that you have to buy a ticket for.  I finally feel like I’ve made a home for myself here, and now I have to leave.

    I’m sure this will make me sound extremely privileged, ethnocentric, [insert any pejorative term anthropology strives to work against] but I’m really concerned about what I’m going to eat.  My field-site is not a food paradise, paradise in many ways, but definitely not when it comes to food.  I know that people live there just fine, but I’d being lying if I said I wasn’t already planning how I could set up a system for my friends to drop off protein powder and almonds when they come to visit me.

    With that said, in an attempt to make the most of my time in the city, I’ve created a food bucket list to avail myself of all the abundant food options that the city has to offer.  Studying for comps is lonely, boring and a side of boring, so finding ways to turn the mundane into something exciting is my current strategy.

    Up first was an açaí bowl.  I know I’m late to the game, but it’s always been on my list of things to try.

    IMG-0835

    The good: It tasted really good.  I ordered the ‘Tropical Blunder’, which consisted of granola, mango, kiwi coconut and of course açaí .  It was thicker than I thought it’d be.

    The bad: This is essentially a smoothy in a bowl, served with a spoon instead of a straw. I knew this going in, but somehow I thought it’d be different. I felt some kind of way about paying nearly $10.  I know that açaí is supposed to be healthy for you but–this purchase hurt my heart a little.

    The verdict: I’m glad I tried it and that I can check it off the list, but I won’t be missing this.

    Have you all had açaí bowls before?  Did you have a better experience? Were my expectations too high? Let me know.

  • Mental Health, The Academy

    Back to School Pt. 4: Who you wit?

    bernie macThere are levels to relationships.  Sometimes, we place people in the wrong position because we act from a place of loneliness rather than self confidence. Sometimes, people think they are entitled to a position that they haven’t earned.  Sometimes, people need to ride the bench for the season and others just need to get kicked off the roster.  In all of this, we as individuals are responsible for putting people in their respective places the more we come to recognize who actually deserves our precious time and energy.

    So, in this school journey no matter the level (and in life more generally), it’s of the upmost importance to consider who’s coming with you. In the words of the late Bernie Mac, who you wit?

    People to intentionally bring with you

    You. It seems obvious, but it’s really easy to check out of this whole process because of the constant pressure to essentially be something other than who you are.  I was told my second year that I needed to adopt an in-class persona–I couldn’t make this up.  Honestly, it wasn’t until my fourth year that I started to feel like I was “all there”, and it’s hard because I sometimes would walk into the building, sit in class and would just prefer to disappear.  Bring yourself, your experiences, your language because you are an asset and you deserve to be there.

    Mentors Near and Far. It was actually a mentor who I met at a conference a few years ago who mentioned to me the idea of establishing a squad.  I have mentors in different departments, different schools in my city, across the country and at my fieldsite.  Of course, this takes time to cultivate, but it’s extremely worth it.  No single person can do everything for you–your advisor can’t be your therapist, life coach and academic wizard–so it would behoove you to diversify.  I’ve had a lot of luck meeting mentors through conferences and applying directly to a sub-committe’s mentoring workshop.  I highly, highly suggest this.  I’ve had experiences where it’s just a one time thing, but other times there’s a real connection, and end up with a long-term mentor who you otherwise would not have met.

    Sister Friends. I love my sister-friends. Most of these women are people I met in high school or undergrad, and we’ve stayed in touch since then.  There’s something  special about having people who’ve seen you in so many different situations who can remind you of how far you’ve come and can therefore call you out on your bs.  The majority of these women are either pursuing higher education or are building their careers, so we can share the woes of adulting and get in a good kiki session all at the same time.  An added bonus is that you have somewhere to go when you just need to get away.  Most people are either in the city or on the East Coast, so it’s no biggie to hop on a bus and get away on a random weekend when need be.  With that said, they are all super busy, so keeping in touch with the occasional text or phone call is important.

    A Good Therapist. Therapy has been a really great exercise in helping me think about the things I unintentionally carry–like an invisible knapsack with all of the weight and none of the privilege.  Finding a good person is kind of like dating.  It takes time and patience, but it’s certainly worth it.  This also stands true for working through your issues.  It’s not a quick fix, but it is again, certainly worth it.

    People Who Will Likely Show Up

    The Haters. I truly believe that at some point your enemies will become your footstools, but when that happens, it’s important to handle the situation with grace and humility.  These people may become your colleagues and the world is small.  At some point, the people who did you wrong (for no apparent reason), might realize that you are not their enemy.  Instead of naming what they did wrong and apologizing for their actions, they will find it easier to act as if nothing happened and smile at you when they see you in the computer lab. Smile back. Keep it moving. Repeat.

    The Biters. Academia is not unlike any other profession or experience in every day life;  people will beg borrow and/or steal to get what they want.  Be mindful that there are those who need to be kept at a distance for the sake of protecting your project and your original thinking.  I’ve personally experienced this issue with a peer, and I’ve also heard of this with professors taking the ideas of their students.  Protect yourself and protect your work.

    People to Leave Behind

    The Refuse The most obvious here are people who don’t support you as a student or as a person.  Sometimes, it’s worth a conversation to give them the opportunity to learn how their actions are effecting you.  This works for some people, and with time and firm boundaries, they will adjust.  Others will throw you under the bus and reiterate that since you’ve been in school for the majority of your life, you actually don’t know anything about the real world.  The irony is not lost that this is often coming from people who have no experience with higher education, but I digress……They don’t deserve you and all the greatness that is to become of you.

    So, take an assessment.  Who’s coming with you this year? Do you need to work on expanding your circle or making it a bit smaller? If you are content with who you have close to you, how can you work to strengthen those relationships?