graduate school

  • Mental Health, The Academy

    ABD and in My Feelings

    Happy Holidays Angela!

    On Thursday, February 21st, 2019 I passed my qualifying exam with distinction! I am all but dissertation (ABD).  While I’ve had a number of ‘wins’ in the past, this is the first time in my entire life that I really feel like I’m OWNING and EMBODYING my success. I’m feeling quite a lot of #blackgirlmagic at the moment.  I couldn’t anticipate what it would feel like after passing such a major milestone, but I’ve found that I’m experiencing a host of different emotions.

    Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 

    To start, I’m feeling relieved because it’s finally over. I’ve been formally preparing for this exam for at least four months, and by the end, I really found that I’d prefer to do anything but study. The other side of this relief is that it made me feel more sure that I am a PhD candidate-caliber thinker. I know that a subjective test can’t actually determine my abilities, but that’s how I feel, in part, because I nearly failed my first comprehensive exam. I’ve spent the last three years thinking that the only reason I didn’t fail outright is because the committee didn’t want to fail the one woman of color who actually sat for the exam. This win, with distinction, is the vindication I’ve longed for.

    There’s another side of me that is feeling extremely proud. I didn’t just pass, but I passed with distinction. I know that no one will actually ask me about this, and it’s not something I would just offer up, but it’s nice to know. Relatedly, I am extremely humbled to think that, with this degree, I am creating a generational legacy that will have reverberations that go far beyond me. Wow.

    Finally, I’m feeling pretty freaking powerful. This might sound arrogant of me, but in some ways, I’m not surprised that I passed. I put on my list of daily affirmations that I would 1) Study diligently in some way everyday; and 2) Pass my qualifying exam with distinction. That’s exactly what happened In some ways, when you are intentional about something, and you work like hell to get it, there really isn’t any surprise-just hard work. This leads me to ask, what else can I accomplish by believing in my own capabilities and working to make it happen? Anthropology award for best dissertation? Tenure-track or some other non-academic dream job upon graduation? Academic Muscle community of students across the country? Across the globe? Maybe I’m on to something here….

    Do yourself a favor and dream big. Now, dream even bigger.

    So, what’s next for me?

    I am officially leaving for fieldwork on Wednesday, March 27. I bought a one-way ticket to Cuba and plan to be there for 9 months to a year. In the meantime, I have to find someone to sublet my apartment, open a foreign bank account, put my things in storage, insert some logistical detail that I’m bound to overlook until the very last minute and, of course, plan a going away party.

    If I continue with this thinking that I am powerful beyond measure, there’s a strong chance, that I could do something really, really great with my research. My committee members seem to think that my project has the potential to really push the boundaries of anthropology and education. Who am I to think otherwise? There are adventures and chance meetings that I can’t even begin to anticipate. So, cheers to new adventures and holding on to this feeling!

  • Exercise

    Eat, Read, Salsa, Repeat

    46434304_10151060620824946_1394171917862174720_oFor the past 10 weeks, I participated in a salsa performance class cycle through the Baila Society (BASO) that culminated in a dance showcase.  The design of the program was to allow participants to train like professionals and to get a taste of what it would be like to actually be a part of the dance company.  The showcase event took place in a professional black box theater, and there were professional photographers and videographers to capture the entire night. I was kind of disheartened because I messed up at the very beginning (the part that I knew the best and that we’ve been practicing the longest), but I reasoned with myself that I: 1) finished strong 2) should be proud of myself for completing the process.

    The training experience was especially trying at the beginning because the instructors front loaded the choreography and left the remaining few weeks to clean things up.  At times, I found myself being really frustrated because we would learn a lot of choreography at one time, and I struggled to keep up. On top of that, since salsa is a partner dance, it was a little embarrassing to go from partner to partner making it known that you didn’t know what the hell was going on–some people were more understanding than others but that’s for another post.  Secondly, this took up way more of my time than I expected.  Not only did we have official once a week practices with our instructors but we were also expected to have extra practices with our partners–ya’ll I didn’t know this for signing up and my reading definitely suffered.

    Fast forward to actually getting the video. The mistake I made at the beginning was really minor and the rest of my performance definitely made up for it. I knew that I was in the front row for a majority of the show, so even though being so much in the spotlight made me a bit nervous, it was also motivation to make sure I knew what I was doing. It worked out because I did pretty damn good and got great pictures. Check out the video below.

    Now that it’s all said and done, I can tell that my confidence as a dancer has definitely improved. I am also a far better social dancer. I wasn’t sure how learning choreographed moves would help with the impromptu-ness of social dancing but somehow the skills transferred. At the end of the night, I danced with the team’s instructor, and I felt like an absolute boss. I’m learning how to notice subtle cues the leads offer with their hands. I make eye contact, which is a huge deal. My styling has improved so that I don’t have dead hands and arms when I’m dancing.

    Salsa dancing (and all dancing in general) is great cardio, and wearing heels gives me a good leg workout (and irritates my hamstrings).  It seems that many people have an aversion or temerity towards dancing in heels whether it be street stilettos or any type of ballroom dancing, but honestly, the benefits are worth it.  It’s also a great confidence boost.

    What’s next for me in the salsa streets? Since I’m still studying for my qualifying exams, I definitely can’t make anymore long-term commitments, but I would like to continue social dancing as a way to maintain the relationships I’ve built during the performance class and to continue to improve my social dancing skills.  I really enjoy the weekly class I was taking before, so I will continue with that, and I’m contemplating moving up to the ‘advanced’ section. It will be a bit of a challenge, but honestly, intermediate is a bit boring at this point.